Tiger

I went to the mall with Andrew last night, partially to get dinner and partially with the intention to be at the Apple store when Tiger was revealed. The last part did not happen, because the line to get into the store extended the entire length of the mall. (That is no small feat, seeing as Carousel Center is the second largest mall in the country.) I've never seen such excitement over the release of new software. Since there was no way we could get into the Apple store, we wandered down to CompUSA to see their premiere. It was a much smaller party of course, but I was still amused that people (regular people, not even nerds such as myself and Andrew!) were so anxious to try Tiger. I must say that I'm very impressed with the way Apple has been moving lately. I can't see Apple ever dominating the home computer market, but they've certainly monopolized the portable music scene and are gaining a stronger hold on computer users who want real functionality.

If only I could afford a Powerbook. I've had my eye on the 15" G4 for a while now, and was hoping that by the time Tiger came out I'd be able to afford to at least finance one. That's definitely not happening, between the cost of living vs $21,000 income and the wedding. Ultimately I know that it would be a luxury, but I can't help but feel like a poor IT professional, having only ever owned Windows systems.

No thin red line

I find that there are only very short periods of time in which I am not stressed out anything something or other. I'm trying quite hard to remember a time when I could go more than perhaps three days without stress of some kind. Maybe the trip to Florida is the exception, because I don't believe I had any stress while I was down there, aside from the worrying about Missy. But there certainly wasn't any stress over work, school, money, or family, and those are the big things that bother me most of the time.

Right now I find myself freaking out over how we're going to afford our wedding, which is funny, because my careful budgeting brought us in at $15,000 less than the average cost of a wedding for our area. So why is it still hard? Because it's still $10,000, which isn't exactly a small number. Of course it's not like we have to come up with a huge lump sum at once, but my dream dress will be gone if I don't buy it soon, so there's $500 in the near future. Also, our wedding venue books up very fast, and we blocked it, but as soon as someone else expresses interest in that date we'll need to make a down payment fast to keep it. There's another $400.

And then there's the financial situation with the apartment, and buying essential furniture, and food, and the moving process for both of us.

And then there's finishing up this semester successfully and then working for the summer.

I'm a stressed person. It's in my nature, because I'm inherently intense and passionate. But everyone has stress, and not everyone deals with it the same way. I'd like to learn how to deal with my stress differently, without changing who I am, because without my identity I am and have nothing. I wish there was a neat little line drawn between behaviors and personality, so I could know where to make my changes.

Highlights of the weekend

• Making delicious turkey burgers with Missy and Andy on Friday night.


• Missy admitting that Hellboy was good.


• Feeding chickens at The Farmer's Museum in Cooperstown, NY.


• Dinner at Amore on Saturday: Fresh bread with olive oil, garlic bread, salad with homemade dill ranch, grilled shrimp and scallops on top of lobster ravioli in a gorgonzola white sauce, and white raspberry cake. I do believe I have a new favorite restaurant.


• Feeling relaxed after a lot of bonding time with the family.

It's official

Andrew made the down payment on our apartment today. We know which building it will be in and even which apartment number. Two bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, and a view of the city, for $559 per month including cable, gas, and water. We're going in to sign the lease next Friday. He's moving in June 15th, and I'm moving in around August 7th.

Can you believe it? Our first apartment together. We've already got some furniture, too. I have a bookshelf at home that I want to bring when I move out, and Andy's mom is donating her old bedroom set (complete) and couch. Also, Andy's dad is donating his huge (70"?) Zenith television and Bose sound system for the living room. We'll still need two desks, a dining table, chairs for the dining table and living room, and perhaps a coffee table, but that's about it. Oh, and lamps too, seeing as the apartment doesn't have any overhead lighting. I'm mainly concerned with having good pots and pans, though.

Burning out

I haven't felt very motivated lately at all, concerning work and school related endeavors. I think every potential ounce of motivation has been diverted to old hobbies, like web design and crafty things. I guess I've become sort of burned out on college life, i.e. working for the vast majority of the day, and when I'm not doing that, spending time with Andy and friends, sleeping, or eating. Basically, since I've been at college, I've been just getting by on the essential acts. Even with little vacations thrown in, it can be very tiring, because after working so hard I spend my vacations just vegging rather than doing things I actually enjoy.

I miss the days when work and school didn't dominate my life so much. By no means is this any indication that I don't want to be here anymore, because it'd take a bus hitting me or something equally tragic to get me to give up the education I'm getting here. It's just... Tiring. Perhaps especially so with my illness, since I don't have much energy to begin with. I feel like I'm a car that never has a full tank -- someone puts in a dollar's worth of gas every morning, but sometimes that's not enough to make it through the whole day. I find myself falling asleep in class frequently and putting off my work until the last minute. I wish that I could use this summer as one last slack off vacation, during which I'd just do whatever I wanted to collect some sanity before returning to this monotonous lifestyle, but I can't.

At least once I finish grad school and begin my career, work will stay at the office and my nights and weekends will be mine. That's all I ask for or need. Just four more years, I guess. I'm 1/3 of the way there.

Another one down

Amalthea died this morning, apparently just a few hours before I woke up. She was not sick, or depressed, and there are no external factors that could have killed her, so I can only assume it was natural causes. She was about a year old, which is a somewhat short life for a betta, but she was never sick and was always happy and social.

My betta count is now dwindling at six, because I haven't "replaced" the two that have died during this academic year. (Athena also died in February, due to depression over being removed from her sister's tank.) I won't be buying any more bettas until August most likely, because I don't want to have too many when I'm traveling. I wouldn't be surprised if any of the others died soon though, because a few of the males are getting to be pretty old in betta years. I can just hope they'll go quietly and quickly like Amalthea did.

Moving on indeed

My life is moving forward pretty rapidly. By the start of May I'll be done with classes, and between then and the 13th I'll finish my finals and finish up my job here at the university for the year. May 14th and 15th will be Andy's convocation and commencement, and then mom's coming to help me drive back to South Bend. Then it'll be work for a couple of months, as I empty out my room at my mom's house. Shortly after her birthday on the first of August, I'll be renting a truck and heading back to Syracuse again. And that'll be that. I'll be officially living with Andrew in our new apartment, starting an adult life.

Like with everything else lately, I feel conflicted about all of this. I'm unsure of the consequences of these actions. I'm positive that I am making the right decisions, but how I will reach the ultimate positive goal is what I question. Isn't that what matters? Not where you go, but how you get there? I think so, at least for now. So how will I learn to live with a man? How will I learn to budget my time between classes, socializing, homework, hobbies, work, cooking and cleaning, and spending time with Andrew? Will I get enough sleep to stay healthy, unlike my current sleeping habits? Will I feel safe in a new home, and if not, how long will it take to reach that point? I worry that I will falter and fail temporarily, but I don't doubt my ability to succeed in the end. So which part do I believe really matters given all of that?

A new start

I wasn't updating my old blog. Why? I hated b2evolution, just like I hated WordPress. After trying many solutions in the background, I finally realized that I needed to just go back to basics, i.e. the original blogging tool, Blogger. No frills, just simple blogging. No way to get bogged down in the templates or tools.

I've only imported a select few old entries, to set the tone for future entries. I'm not going to post everything here, but I want to make what I do post worthwhile.

Coppermine functional

Photo.ninthworld.net is active again! Coppermine is now working, and every file I could find that came from my digital camera is uploaded.